Saturday, May 30, 2009

#206. Running out of Grilled Chicken

Similar to #207, Running out of Fried Chicken, Black people are perplexed and in great derision when Grilled Chicken is no longer available. Food is one of the most important aspects of a Black persons day, and to be confronted with the conundrum of having that staple removed due to a distribution error is not a smart move.

Black people love Fried Chicken, Grilled Chicken, Roasted Chicken and any other form of fowl, but to be denied the ability to satiate that hunger is not something Black people will stand for at all.

It is important that all fast food chains carry an abundance of frozen chicken, especially when an offer for free chicken - grilled or fried - is advertised. Black people don't like running out of grilled chicken, but they do like free food. And free food mixed with no food is a recipe that Colonel Sanders would tell you, is trouble.

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Friday, May 29, 2009

#170. Losing gold teeth

Black people are fascinated by gold, more so than the Spanish Conquistadors of old. Black people love gold so much, that they have it fashioned to put onto their teeth, known throughout the Black community as "grillz".

A subculture has grown around this fascinating practice and has become a lucrative business for entrepreneur's hoping to affix their wares on the Black persons bicuspids.

One practitioner of the art of "grillzing" writes,

"Gold teeth are a product that has been increasingly growing over the past eight years, especially since the attention given to them from celebrities such as Nelly and Flavor Flav. Since that time, they've taken on several different names, such as gold fronts, gold caps, gold slugs, grills and grillz."

The problem for "grillz" advocates remains maintaining the integrity of said gold piece in their mouths, while using the restroom.

Recently at a Major League Baseball (MLB) game between the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets, a woman lost one of her "grillz" in the latrine. While relieving herself, somehow her "grillz" become dislodged and ended up resting in the bowels of the commode.

Her first instinct was to attempt a rescue operation by jamming her hand into the toilet, but she became stuck. In the toilet. Fishing for her "grillz". Black people do not like losing gold teeth.

All stories of the deadly encounter with the toilet left out the racial group this women belonged too, but a call to the plumbing company that rescued this woman from mindless butchery at the hands of a "grillz" devouring toilet provided the answer: A Black woman.

As the Fox story continues:

"It's unclear how long she was trapped screaming in the john, but stadium security guards and emergency medical personnel eventually showed up.

But they could not pry her loose on their own.

The anxious victim, meanwhile, could only wait as the toilet continued to flush over her arm."

Video of the event is unavailable at the moment, but Stuff Black People Don't Like is asking readers to scourge the internet in hopes of finding cell phone videos or pictures of this woman fishing into the abyss of toiletry for her "grillz". Because, as you now know, Black people don't like losing gold teeth.

Worse, the woman never retrieved her gold tooth from the toilet.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

#15. White people using the word "Nigga"

Black people love to call each other "nigga" even more than the most negative pejorative in the English language, the n-word. To Black people, there is no greater term of endearment than admonishing each other with playful calls of "nigga what" or "nigga please".

The word "nigga" is one of the vital words in Black people's vernacular and to listen to a Black person talk for any period of time, one will hear the usage of the term "nigga" liberally peppered throughout their verbiage.

Black people, however, consider it a crime comparable only to that of a pederast or mass murderer, to be categorized as a "nigga" by White people.

Being called the mother of all racial epithets, the n-word, is still the ultimate word that infuriates Black people and White people alike, but "nigga" is just as nefarious when utilized in the speech of Whites.

It will never be safe for White people to use the word "Nigga" and any White person who uses this word, regardless of the context, will be reprimanded for daring to utter it in public.

The word "nigga" when deployed in a White persons speech, might not have malicious intent in their mind, but to Black people, this akin of the most treacherous utterance and punishable only to the fullest extent of the law.

As the following video showcases, Black people do not like it when White people use the word "nigga".

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

#10. Normal first names

Black people have never been to fond of normal, White people sounding names. Biblical- grounded names went out in popularity in the Black community as quickly as Don Imus did from the Black persons radio.

Instead of James, Michael, John or Luke, Black people decidedly collectively to try and out Black their fellow racial members, into who could come up with the most original name, to compliment their "slave" surname.

Most people have read the 2006 tome Freakonomics, a bestselling book that discusses numerous topics normally sheltered in hushed voices in diverse places, like the high school locker room or country club 19th hole.

Nevertheless, the authors of that book have analyzed the top 20 White names, and the top 20 Black people names:

The 20 Whitest Boy Names

1. Jake
2. Connor
3. Tanner
4. Wyatt
5. Cody
6. Dustin
7. Luke
8. Jack
9. Scott
10. Logan
11. Cole
12. Lucas
13. Bradley
14. Jacob
15. Garrett
16. Dylan
17. Maxwell
18. Hunter
19. Brett
20. Colin

The 20 Blackest Boy Names

1. DeShawn
2. DeAndre
3. Marquis
4. Darnell
5. Terrell
6. Malik
7. Trevon
8. Tyrone
9. Willie
10. Dominique
11. Demetrius
12. Reginald
13. Jamal
14. Maurice
15. Jalen
16. Darius
17. Xavier
18. Terrance
19. Andre
20. Darryl

Stuff Black People Don't Like would like to point out the peculiarities between the different names for White and Black people. It is hard to imagine where Black parents came up with these names, but for sportscasters around the country, they sure did make it difficult on you. Spelling bee emcee's, not so much.

Black people enjoy standing apart from the crowd and turning heads. Normal names like Sam or Barry don't accomplish that task. Barack does, however.

#198. Waiting until 16th Birthday for Drivers License

Whereas most other racial groups can wait until at least their 15th birthday to acquire a learner's permit, and then, after a year of defensive driving courses and learning from their parents the rules of the road - and garnering an actual license - Black people are convinced the roads belong to them.

Learning about cars and the excitement they bring from hours of watching television and playing video games, Black people - like seven-year-old Latarian Milton in the video below - cannot wait to get behind the wheel of an actual car. Denying the intensity that Black people get when driving a precision vehicle - like young Mr. Milton - is one joy that they cannot deny.

When one views the tenacity and zeal Black people have for driving, it can be quite befuddling to learn that not one Black person is currently driving in the NASCAR Sprint Series.

Black people's longing to get behind the wheel of an automobile is puzzling, since historical documents and records prove that their ancestors in Africa are one of the only people on earth to not utilize the invention of the wheel.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

#66. Sudden Frights

Over the years, action/horror/science-fiction/drama and conceivably every other genre of Hollywood film has done the unthinkable: portray Black people in perilous situations. It is a well known fact that Black people in real life are afraid of absolutely nothing and this is reinforced by not only rap music and lyrics, sports and our president, but by a casual viewing of your nightly news - regardless of the city.

Black people do not fear going to jail for arbitrary crimes and this has led to the idea of Black invincibility and the feeling that the law doesn't apply to them ( see Michael Vick, Jamal Anderson, Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson, Marion Berry, etc. ) Black people are actually superheroes. Watch ESPN’s popular show, Sports Center, and you will understand the obsequious nature of all races to the Godlike entities that are LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and every Black athlete.

However, Black people are actually highly sensitive to being frightened and when confronted with unsuspected fervor, they resort to only one tactic.

As these videos showcase, Black people live by only one rule: if you frighten me, you will be sorry. Once again, Stuff Black People Don't Like educates internet viewers on the many things that Black people vehemently dislike.

Monday, May 25, 2009

#104. Swimming

The athletic prowess of Black people is unquestioned. Being able to run and jump at levels that currently allow them to comprise more than 75 percent of the National Basketball Association (NBA) and 60 percent of the National Football League (NFL), despite being less than 13 percent of the United States population, one would imagine that Black people dominate all sports.

However, Black people are notoriously nautically challenged, as the trials and tribulations of entering any body of water - whether it be a lake, ocean, bathtub or natatorium - is one of the ultimate conundrums for our melanin- enhanced friends.

There is a paucity of Black people at beaches and swimming pools - especially among college swimming teams - and this trend shows no sign of change.

Perhaps no video showcases Black people's frustration with water better than Eric "The Eel" Moussambani at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney.

Nearly drowning, Moussambani epitomizes why Black people don't like swimming and what transpires when Black people are confronted by the complexities of the pool.

Eric the Eel can be viewed here.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

#44. Michael Richards

On November 20, 2006, Richards was performing a comedy routine and a Black heckler began to berate his performance.

With a camera catching his response, Richards lambasted the Black heckler, saying, ""Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."

He then went on to say, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

Not much else needs to be said to delineate why Black people don't like Michael Richards. Unlike Black comedians who routinely poke fun at White people and push the envelope in using race as a tool in joke telling, Richards was universally criticized and forced to apologize for daring to offend Black people with a few well-placed epithets directed at a Black heckler.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

#155. Paternity Tests

Nothing is more insidious to black people then having to look at the results of paternity tests. The fecundity rate of black people is astounding, as evidence by former NFL player Travis Henry. Recently jailed for failing to pay child support for his ten children, through ten different wives, Mr. Henry is an example a black person who dislikes paternity tests.

This clip, from a popular television show, depicts the horror black people are confronted with after evidence of their progeny is conclusive.

Black people are horrified of the results paternity tests and will continue to deride and ignore the results of sound science.

Friday, May 22, 2009

# 207. Running out of Fried Chicken

Black people are a very fascinating subject matter and are easily agitated when a staple food is removed from their diet. As this video portrays so succinctly, running out of fried chicken is hazardous to the black palate. From Rochester, New York, the popular fast food chain Popeyes, has run out of fried chicken and subsequently, chaos ensues.

The newscast included in this post does a wonderful job of delineating the complexities of black life without fried chicken. Black people fear running out of fried chicken, and in the words of one gentlemen who is quite upset at the prospect of a fried chicken-less night, "I'll never come back here."

Fried chicken is a vital portion of the black diet and as this video shows, black people don't like running out of fried chicken.