Thursday, March 4, 2010

#456. Misplaced Cotton Balls

There walk among us individuals who appear normal, but deep down they have a psychologically crippling phobia that causes mental paralysis at the mere sight of a common, household necessity. There agreeable visage is merely a veneer that hides a hideously debilitating phobia that instigates fits of hygienically unsafe applications of ointments and medicines.

That phobia is Bambakophobia, or a fear of cotton balls.

Cotton balls are the instruments of sound health that deliver medicine safely to irritated portions of skin. Remember when you were the unfortunate beneficiary of bug bites? The best and quickest form of relief was through Calamine lotion, applied generously with the loving aid of a cotton ball.

Sadly, some segments of the population of the United States suffer from Bambakophobia and the unsanitary hygiene practiced by these people helps spread diseases that would otherwise be nonexistent.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but if a cotton ball is the arbiter of sound health or a sickly disposition then those suffering from Bambakophobia will gladly choose a non-pious existence in squalid conditions.

Cotton balls scare people, for this resilient cleaning agent is a psychologically-crippling instrument of atavistic unpleasantness that has the unintended consequence of recalling historically unsettling truths to emerge.

Disingenuous White Liberals (DWLs) look upon cotton balls and cry for the image of slavery and persecution these balls of softness represent, as the whiteness of the cotton ball coalesces with their inherent white guilt to blanket them completely in Bambakophobia.

Black people don’t mind cotton balls, except when the advantageous application of racial guilt can be applied to DWLs, causing a perfect storm of resentment that can be used to garner favorable results for the aggrieved party and further the reality of Black Run America.

Case in point, the recent scandal brewing at the University of Missouri over the displacement of cotton balls improperly distributed in front of the Black Student Union building:

University of Missouri police are investigating after someone scattered cotton balls outside the Gaines/Oldham Black Culture Center on the Columbia campus.
Students and staff discovered the cotton balls littering the grass and sidewalk outside the building Friday.

Witnesses told campus police that two people were seen running from the area sometime before 2 a.m. Friday."I am a bi-racial child. I can assure you that my Caucasian mother is just as outraged about this as my African-American father," one student said.

The cotton balls are seen as a racial slur -- the cotton harkens back to the days of slavery, when slaves were forced to pick cotton. Students said it's an act of psychological violence.

When did cotton balls become a racial epithet? Bambakophobia apparently has many forms and the unwarranted solicitation of cotton balls in front of Black Student Unions in Black Run America is merely grounds for a witch hunt to occur in hopes of find the cotton-dropping assailants before even softer damage can be inflicted.

Luckily, those poor souls intolerant of those suffering Bambakophobia were caught and charged with a hate crime for their unsavory act of misguided cotton usage:

Police at the University of Missouri say two students were arrested for allegedly placing cotton balls around the school's Gaines/Oldham Black Cultural Center.

The Kansas City (Mo.) Star said Wednesday freshman Sean D. Fitzgerald, 19, and senior Zachary E. Tucker, 21, were arrested on charges of second-degree tampering for last week's incident.

Because authorities suspect the placement of the cotton balls on the center's lawn, walkway and bushes was racially motivated, the charges against the students were raised to Class D felony status.

Last Friday's incident took place during Black History Month and prompted concerns about potentially intensified racial tensions at the university, the Star said.

Fitzgerald and Tucker are free on $4,500 bond each and are due to appear at a March 29 hearing.

University of Missouri Chancellor Brady Deaton said both students will be temporarily suspended for the incident in Columbia, Mo.

Bambakophobia is no joke. It is a disease that leaves the diseased incapable of grappling with the complexities of cotton balls. Black people use this ailment to exploit DWLs and other white people for the historic grievances they feel entitled to manipulate continuously in hopes garnering more favors, funding and set-asides.

Cotton balls are no laughing matter. They represent evil in a soft, delicate ball of fiber manufactured with the hope of stopping disease, yet these cotton balls merely perpetuate the sick, demented malady of white privilege.

Stuff Black People Don’t Like includes misplaced cotton balls, for though Black people use them frequently for hygiene purposes the discovery of these small white fibers can be used prodigiously to further guilt the malleable majority population into further submission in Black Run America.

Click here for the full story on the University of Missouri and the Great Cotton Ball Hysteria of 2010.

Remember, Bambakophobia is no laughing matter.


Anonymous said...

This reminds me of all the times I hung out at the White Culture Center on campus. Good times.

Stuff Black People Don't Like said...

White Culture Center? Sarcasm is welcome, but an erection of such a center would be met with a stiff resistance.

Anonymous said...


Stiff resistance from what groups? and why? Especially since most colleges the entire campus is the "white culture center"

Also the Black student union isn't some rebel organization, just like other organizations on campus it requires approval and most follow rules set forth by college administrators. It is about as black as BET. That is owned by Viacom.

The real Black student union meets outside of the prying eyes of phony white "liberals". The black college students that have no desire to be the token "best friend" of phony hypocritical whites. Their interactions with whites are limited to "hello" and "see you tomorrow" These are the members of the real Black student union

The college students in my family that didn't attend black colleges lived off campus. They didn't join silly clubs.

The only cotton balls I see are in my bathroom

-Black guy

Lime Lite said...

Apparently this was a prank and the cotton balls were not "released" near the black culture centre on purpose. The more I read about the USA and their PC crap, the more respect I lose. The USA has become so scared of it's own shadow - boo! I mean, hello, cotton wool balls and it makes international news as being racist! FFS. Get over yourselves. These black dudes rant and rave and you guys allow this and apologise?? How the mighty have fallen...

Anonymous said...

Since cotton balls can also be used to shine shoes (ask anyone who's ever been in the Armed Forces for confirmation of this information),I suppose that other accusations could also be raised over this incident. And of course,since some shoe polish is black,that could lead to even more accusations.

Such as all of us evil palefaces wanting our shoes shined or something. The shining to be done by someone else,naturally.

I sure hope insanity isn't contagious.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

"The college students in my family that didn't attend black colleges lived off campus. They didn't join silly clubs. "

I'm just amazed they got INTO colleges, frankly....

- Fr. John

Anonymous said...

Fr. John,

Yeah, they are hard to recognize since they don't associate with whites beyond what is necessary.

-Black guy

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