Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#21. Being Quiet During Movies

Black people love going to the movies and enjoying cinematic escapism. Movies offer not only Black people, but all races, the opportunity to immerse themselves into celluloid comfort and to live vicariously through their favorite actors for an hour or two, before returning to the routine of life.

One thing Black people do not like, however, is not engaging the movie screen and refraining from interjecting opinion and a personal soundtrack into the film. Black people love to talk during movies, whether it is to their friends next to them; three rows behind them; or to their friend in another state via a cellular device.

Black people find talking to the movie screen during scenes of distress and intense action a soothing experience, and some Black people actually subscribe to the interesting theory that the louder they are during a film, the more their voice will likely alter the outcome and finality of the film.

This has yet to be proven - that the more decibels produced by Black people during a film can actually change the outcome of the movie - but it is continuously and rigorously tested during all films Black people attend and the hypothesis has yet to be discounted as false.

A Google search of the term "Black people loud at movies" returns more than 1.4 million hits, which means this phenomenon of Black people being loud at movies is not isolated to any particular geographic region where Black people live or where they view movies. "Black people talking during movies" returns almost 50 million hits on Google.

All movie-goers who attend movies with Black people are routinely bombarded with cell phone conversations; cries of hope, despair and directions of where the protagonist of the film should hide or where to run next to avoid the clutches/knife of the villain; and the occasional conversation between two Black people who attend the film about their life.

At a movie, it is a prerequisite that you leave all your excess emotional baggage at the door and engage in a total suspension of belief. However, Black people are incapable of being quiet during movies and thus, find it highly annoying that other moviegoers are not more attune to their needs during the film you have just paid $10 dollars to see.

This problem manifested itself in Philadelphia at the end of 2008, when a Black father and son where talking during the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. An irate movie patron, unaware of the thought to be universally-known theory that Black people can change the outcome of the movie by talking during the film, shot the dad in the arm.

Sadly, Benjamin Button continued getting younger and died. A yet to be confirmed rumor of another Black person who talked during this film yielded opposite results: Brad Pitt's eponymous character stopped aging and the movie ended happily.

Black people love movies, but they don't like to be quiet during them. Now you know why.


Winston Smith said...

Cinemas are treasure troves for specimens of stuff black people don't like. I worked my way through college at a cinema, and I was constantly dealing with the bad behavior of black folk. Here are some other cinematic things black people don't like:

1) Concession snacks. Near the cinema where I worked, there were a couple of restaurants - a burger place, a Chinese take-out place, a pizzeria, a chicken place. There was also a liquor store nearby. Despite the inescapably noticeable sign that blared out "NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED", black people incessantly tried to sneak in burgers, fries, spaghetti, calzones, beef with broccoli, egg rolls, family buckets of Original Recipe, and "40s" of malt liquor. When we caught them, they would usually claim another employee told them they could bring it in. (Another thing black people don't like - white people not "playing along" to help them break the rules). We usually ended up refunding the money they paid for admission, because we couldn't allow them to bring the food in. Boy, did they ever get mad!

2) Not properly disposing of their trash. When we didn't catch them sneaking stuff in, they made huge messes in the auditoriums, which we had to clean up: chicken bones, spilt rice, pizza crusts, scraped-off onions and pickles, and broken bottles.

3) Showing ID to enter an R-rated movie. When we would refuse to sell them the ticket when they refused to show us an ID, they would usually buy a ticket to a non-R-rated movie, and then try to sneak in to the R-rated one. An usher posted at the entrance was the cause of much consternation for many a black minor, giving them time and reason to practice their "urban scowl."

4) Paying for adult-price tickets. "Uh, I unnah twel, man," said many a mature-looking lad. I would then say, "Hey, I think the lights on your car are on." "Uh, thanks, man. I be rye back." He would then walk towards his car, realize the lights weren't on, and then return to the ticket booth. "Uh, my car lights was off, man." Did they ever get miffed when I charged them the adult price!

Yes, cinemas are great places to find items to add to the list of SBPDL.

Anonymous said...

Black people don't like it when a white person purchases the last grape soda.

gracielatapia said...

OMG yes! This shit pisses me off! So much that when I actually go see a movie if a group of black folks sit around me or in my aisle I'll move! FUCK THAT!

Anonymous said...

Hey Werewolf, if you don't like this site you can listen to your racist rap music.

Anonymous said...

yet blacks can talk all kinds of shit about white people----not all black people act out at movies--
just 95 percent of them--i have come to near brawls with them--call it racist if you like---i will only go to movies in all white areas because of it

Anonymous said...

I had a black woman sitting in front of me in a movie theater... she got really pissed off when I asked her if she could turn off her bluetooth headset because the blue light kept flashing every 10 seconds. I guess she was expecting an important phone call :)

Oh well, the second time I asked she finally took it off, after rolling her eyes and giving me a nasty look.

Anonymous said...

I have largely stopped going to films because of bad behaviour on the part of blacks. I now have a big plasma TV and watch my movies quietly from the comfort of my home.

Roxie said...

Thank goodness you stay at home. Now I can watch my movies in peace.

Anonymous said...

i just want to say i am black and white and i have never had problems at the movies with anyone

Anonymous said...

it is so sad how people think all black people are the same

Anonymous said...

I've seen all kinds of people behave obnoxiously at the theater of all ethnicities. I find blacks to commonly just be loud in general, regardless of where they are. Get a clue, Bluetooth headsets are not a fashion accessory! I remember at University when a fat black woman was finally forced to drop the course after weeks of obnoxious and loud comment during class that were not only stupid, but completely irrelevant to the material. She was forced out finally after some students commented back toward her and she threatened them in front of the whole class. What an idiot.